Monday, September 15, 2008

Communal India VS Communist China

We talk about Communist China and it's Humanitarian crisis. Look at us, democratic India, here killing in the name of God is something we do for fun. AND WE GET AWAY WITH IT!


How many more churches do you want to burn?

How many more innocent people do you want to kill?

Nature is already raging a war against mankind in the form of floods and earthquakes and hurricanes, and man kind needs all the resources to help its people against it. BUT the few selfish INDIAN'S choose to create more chaos by killing innocent people, and then we have the audacity to tell others about their humanitarian issues.


Perhaps we should all behave a little more human, and less animal. Sometimes I think animals behave better. It's not difficult to live peacefully. JUST FLUSH YOUR FRIGGING EGO'S.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Airtel online billing sucks

I wanted to apply for an online access account for Airtel, and the best part is that you cant get that account online. You need to fill up some stupid forms online and then take a print out of some other document and then submit it at an Airtel Center. The best part is, that all Airtel centers dont accept these forms. So you need to identify one center which most often than not is next to your place. Once you submit it there, they will send you a password in 3 days. Which is the biggest piece of bull crap i've ever heard.

Why can't the online registration process be as simple as Vodafone and Facebook etc. All i need to do is fill in a form there and the AUTOMATICALLY generated password is sent to my email id. I have no idea why Airtel makes people run around so much. TOTAL BABU attitude.

Now i know why i dropped my old Airtel number. Hope they don't mess around with my Landline billing process now.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The easiest way to set up a Linksys router with the Airtel Modem

So i finally purchased the brand new WRT54G2 Linksys Wireless router and unfortunately i decided to install it at night. which basically meant I didnt have a night. DAMN!

Anyway after reading a thousand blog and forum posts and wasting precious zzzz's, i stumbled upon the Call center number of Linksys in India in the morning while i was chatting with their customer care. Some lady suggested i call them up.

I read stuff about changing the IP address, I read about restarting computers etc etc. Man people have written a LOT of helpful things, but the problem is that when ever u have a problem, it happens to be unique. In my case i had a 110BX Beetel modem (am gonna get back at Airtel for giving me the older model) and i had a brand new Linksys WRT54G2 router. All night my head was spinning trying to figure out why the router wouldnt work. And while in office i some forum made me believe that probably my modem wasnt compatible with the new router. This created even more useless anxiety. I just couldnt NOT have fixed the router.

Anyway so i sat all day in office waiting to get home so that i could call us customer support and set up the damn router.

So i called them up and spoke to a guy called Akshay. He seemed to have predicted the problem, coz it seems that most Airtel modems have issues with Linksys routers. So in a jiffy he got me started and helped me sort out the problem. He helped me configure the entire thing so fast that i wish i hadnt wasted those precision zzzz's.

Anyway for all those who have an Airtel DSL connection and a Linksys router, all you need to do is dial 18004195797 (Toll free) and ask them. They'll help you real time. Forums are great and generally solve all our problems, but the fact is that these guys are faster and know the exact problem and the exact solution.

am so kicked!
Yay!

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Doordarshan is quite cool

If you're looking to watch the olympics online.. and NBC or BBC don't allow you to watch it live. You could just log onto

http://www.ddinews.gov.in/DDNews/rplayer.htm

Though since it is DD, you have to bear with the the nonsense commentary and studio commentary. Though once they get over the discussion, they pretty much show the sporting events. At least they don't have issues to view their live feed.

The Guy rule that backfired

Ok, so i got this forward and decided to send to everyone i knew. My sister replied to the forward with this...
And i thought that i had a sense of humour.


The Guys' RULE!!!


FINALLY the guys' side of the story.
We always hear 'THE RULES'
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note these are all numbered '1'
ON PURPOSE!
…. So you admit you cant count beyond 1…..And I thought men were good with numbers.

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
….. yes that's true… you need a mind to be able to read.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
Neither is x boxing or ps 123xyz
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.
…. So don't make us cry.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
…. I want a set of beautiful diamond solitares from de Beers. I want to go choose it myself with you in tow.

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
.... ok… 'no' you cant play golf tomorrow.

1. Come to us with a problem only
if you want help solving it. That's what we do. …. Ok… I need to spend 3000 bucks in two hours to buy gifts I LIKE in one shop without getting physically tired. SOLVE
Sympathy is what your
girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a
Problem.

See a doctor.
…… is the doctor handsome?

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
....please refer to rule 1 of your rule ones. (u need a mind to retain information….)

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls,don't
Expect us to act like soap opera guys. ....If u consider round a shape for the human male species don't expect Victoria's secret greeting you at your door once you get home. Expect a puddy tat.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
…. Who's us? I asked you …. Did you pass that on?

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
….. if theres something we spent on your add on card that was way over your minds imagination, remember we were just adding points to the card for more air miles and not actually spending a whole lot of cash.

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
….. I think the best way to sort out bills is to stuff them in a dustbin… that's something I can do myself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
….. please say whatever you have to in between phone calls.

1. Christopher Columbus didNOTneed directions and neither do we.
….. FACT… please note that he was looking for India and he found America

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not Acolor. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no
idea what mauve is. … ......please refer to rule 1 of your rule ones…

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
….why would you ask what is wrong then? You see we know you know whats wrong… you just don't have the balls to accept it. …. Or the brains… but whats the difference anyway.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
….. Are you going to wake up now… or not?... answer carefully.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really
…..:) we have to have something fine to wear in order to wear it dummy!

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.
….and don't ask us what's for dinner or what our plans are for after dinner unless you're prepared to discuss topics such as frozen vegetables, raw meat, a good back massage by your husband after he comes home from work.

1. You have enough clothes.
….. but not the right jewellery

1. You have too many shoes.
….. and you have too many golf sets and golf balls.

1. I am in shape. Round
IS a shape! .... so is a blimp… don't imagine you look anything better than it if that's what your shape is.

1. Thank you for reading this.
…. You are welcome…. I enjoyed it.

2. Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -

to give them a bigger laugh!

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Jay walking at night

Listening to the radio (95FM) nowadays can leave an unnecessary plastered grin on your face. And well, you just feel generally funny, so cracking jokes to grin even wider is the norm.

It was already around 8PM and it was raining. I was just about to park the car next to my sisters place and i saw one little man shrouded under what looked like a plastic sack. He kept walking in the middle of the road and and i flashed my headlights repeatedly to get him to move out of the way.

Unfortunately he didn't want to. So my brother who was in the co-drivers seat told me to blow him up, and i promptly did. I blew the horn and he quickly stepped aside.

I said, "What the hell man, couldn't he see the light?"

just then, i corrected myself and said "Wait...I think he wanted to see the light"

My brother took a few seconds to get it.

Ok.. it was funny then... stop frowning...

Google needs to revamp its search technique

So I have moved home yet again... and hopefully this would be the last time for a long time now. I can't carry those things up and down the stairs once again.

Anyway moving home means getting a new broadband connection. So i set out for my quest to find the right broadband for me. I download a lot and i waste a lot of time online, so obviously need a service provider that's sort of efficient. Can't expect too much though because of the high level of incompetence and lack of consumer pandering. So i settled for Airtel broadband.

I have been searching all day for a contact for Airtel BB for Noida. And have not had any luck as yet. One of the main reasons is that all the results that i get on Google are over 3-4 years old. And i have to sift through all the content to find one measly piece of information. If there was a search option to not show blogs and articles that were more than a year old it would have helped. I would have saved a lot more time and maybe i would have found what i was lookign for.
Well i was looking for an Airtel broadband engineers contact number so that i could tell him to connect me to the world. But all i got was a "we'll get back to you" option on the Airtel site. Even customer care can only promise a 48 hr revert, and i don't have the time or the patience to wait so long. I want a connection now.

So if Google could just make search more specific and more relevant it would have been better. Most sub search engines have these facilities, so why should the Big guy be any different.

Anyway, if anyone knows one of the dude's numbers please let me know so that i can contact them and get online SOON!!!

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

CHINESE PROVERBS

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Nano tales... u have to visualise

He went up, and came down


He fell, fell and fell. Splat!


Yawn! Stretch! Yawn! Stretch! Owww... ooooowwwwwwwWWWW!


Girl meets boy, *poof* a baby


Jump from first floor, Thud! aaaaa!


Jump from twelfth floor, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah... Thud!


Like it. Hate it. Dump it


They went on a walk... alone.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

The day MP's became such saints...

I just read a story on NDTV.com about the recent political turmoil. http://www.ndtv.com/convergence/ndtv/story.aspx?id=NEWEN20080058212 This sort of news is so ridiculously funny that I can't even react. Suddenly accepting a bribe has become a BAD thing?


What about the rest of the times they are offered money and conveniently accepted it. These MP's are such liars and cheats that they can lie without even batting an eyelid. It's disgusting. Instead of really dealing with the issue of trying to lead a nation towards stability, they pick up an issue only out of convenience. I wish they were so HONEST every time. And God only knows how credible this claim is. Though I wont be surprised if the SP actually did something like that.


What we really need to find is how much more did the BJP offer its own MP's to not accept the 3 crore jackpot. They are all behaving like such saints all of a sudden. If the BJP comes to power I wont be surprised if I see the three MP's Ahsok Aragal from MP, Padam Isngh Kulaste from MP and Mahaveer Sigh Bhagoda from Rajasthan driving off in their brand new mercs. They would simply get the best of both worlds. The 3 lacs from the SP or the 4 Lacs from the BJP.


Indian politics is so hypocritical that I get disgusted and its because of such issues that I don't care about leaving this country and going to a place where there is a little more justice and honesty and heart.


I hope the BJP doesn't come to power. They are useless.

Synchronised swimmers seem like children here

Just thought i should post this. This is amazing stuff. I cant even imagine the timing and the coordination required for this.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Oh Crap! All over the place

Someone great thinker coined the term 'Rat race', but I don't think he meant that as a fight to get ahead of everyone. What he really meant was that there was this new breed of creatures that were determined to take over from the Human race, much the same way like they decided to take over my office. It's not surprising that even a gigantic human being can be brought to his knees by a creature as big as a cat! Yeah they are as big as them in my office. I told you they were determined.


Anyway for many days now, I get to office and I get to hear the sordid tales of brown tailed orgies and of midnight prancing parties. There's rat body fluid on telephones, there's little droppings on chairs, there's midnight snacking reminiscence in the form of chewed cables and eaten telephone lines. I guess they were just trying to make a connect somewhere. This place looks like a frat house after a free for all party. And to think that the rat race would have gotten this far being completely smart and organised and clean. But wait... the human race got to where we are being just like them. So I guess they are heading the right way.


But down the line somewhere someone has forgot to toilet train the rats. Imagine them thinking they can take over the world completely unpotty trained. Ridiculous!

Just a simple game of Pictionary?

It took us probably a week of planning for a silly, yet completely exhilarating game of Pictionary. A few of us got together and decided that we needed to have some fun. And since none of us quite enjoy the luxury of passive smoking and nor do the women enjoy the excitement of getting pinched at a bar. We decided that a game of Pictionary was possibly the inanest thing we could do.


My cousins had flown down from Bangalore for a break and were staying with me so I dragged them along too. Not that they needed much dragging when I told them that we were going to play Pictionary. Anyway we had played tons of it when we were little and were already masters of the universe, in a matter of speaking. All of us were fortunate enough to be given a piece of the artistic brain when we were born, so when we teamed up, a flawless victory was more or less guaranteed. Every time we think of such things, the world shudders and a silence is left after our pretty pathetic *Evil Laugh*.


A game of Pictionary is more like war. People see a side of me that even I didn't know existed. Something like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Though am still confused who is it that they like better the Hyde part of me or the Jekyll. The board is like a battle ground and who ever tries to mess the initial status quo is in for trouble. Just don't let the shit hit the fan else it'll get messy. People play for pride and honour until it gets violent, then everyone just plays to survive. In fact I think most wars are fought only for survival. You can't really enjoy the honour and valour recognitions' when you're a dead person.


So finally, The date was set, it was a Sunday, I think. Or was it a Saturday...hmm... never mind. All that matters is that we set a date and there were gonna be nine people there including me. A generally large room today seemed small, and the smell of anxiety and smelly socks loomed in the air. We were brought down to our knees and hands quite literally since the floor was the only place big enough to accommodate nine menacing warriors. I am sure some ladies would not like to be called that. Ho well... all the Xena's were there, ready to shed their womanliness. (Don't let your mind wander... You filthy, filthy minds)


We do the usual round of 'pugai' to be fair and determine the teams. Pugai is something like stone-paper-scissor, where we make hand gestures, and those with similar hand actions get into one team. My family was soon torn apart and we were now against each other. The playing field was leveled and the board game was anyones game. I was pitted against my own kind but I knew that, even that would not stop me from winning the game, and I laughed. And laughed once more. Just to make sure I had laughed the first time.


The game started and even though my team was the last to play its turn, we were already ahead because of the all plays (AP). Soon we raced ahead of everyone, much to everyones disgust and jealousy. I remained calm and composed through the entire game, probably because my team was winning. Though this did not stop me from turning into my other half. I was accused of being to competitive and shouty. I wonder what they meant...Am serious... this time I didn't need to do all that, because I was winning without having to try to hard. My true spirit was only seen in a few bursts of excitement. More excitement than competitiveness. It's strange how people can turn into something that they generally aren't.


Apparently in old Chinese culture, the brides dad used to invite the groom over for a game of Mahjong and gauge his reaction. Most grooms appear very nice and formal and sweet only because they are desperate to get hooked up. Most people get all sweet and nice when they want something, as soon as they get what they want they turn back into monsters. Me... well... am an angel. I am, I am....even when am playing... it's just that people get scared because I have a big head...


Anyway, so if the groom came across a loser, he would be told to scoot. And if he was too competitive and violent, the father would throw him out. I guess even the Chinese loved their tea to be perfect. Too strong and they'd spit it out, too weak and they'd still spit it out. It's quite a task to be perfectly normal isn't it. Games like Pictionary help you find that perfect balance. All your anger and all your emotions are out for everyone to see in those two hours. It's like being caught in your bathing suit. Sort of...


Anyway, for me games like Pictionary, bring out the competitive side of me. For my cousin, it's computer games. A guy who always appears to be relaxed and calm and always has a warm aura around him, turns into this monster that curses and screams and shouts till he finds a way to beat the computer. Literally sometimes. Once he runs out of curses, he just mumbles and grimaces and blurts 'rassamfassam' words. But that's the only time you'll ever see him in this state of Hydeness.


The game soon came to an end when my team destroyed the opponents who were still struggling to get beyond the first half of the board. As winners you must also learn to deal with the unwanted and mostly unnecessary evil glances after a flawless victory. Am sure am gonna get some now that I've written this down too. But I feel evil... heheh! It's nice, isn't it? Sometimes...


Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Email FORWARDS are the next best propaganda tool!

Ok, so I am sitting calmly, trying to mediate and focus on not doing anything, and praying for some excitement. (Unfortunately the guy above has a strange sense of humour and answers your prayers when your just kidding.)

Suddenly the office tech guy runs across the corridor like a 'town crier' (in this case the 'office crier'), waving his hands as if he had a little bell, and spoke of frightful consequences. He warned us all about the evils opening Gmail and Google would bring upon us... Huh??? Double take... Huh??? He was almost on the verge of getting his heebie jeebies peacock feathers out and waving them on all the computers. He screamed Google has been hacked and that spyware will take over your computer and more importantly your UPS! Yeah, apparently all my crucial data is stored in my UPS. (Maybe this is some sort of company policy to protect data stealing)

He decided that some inane forward was worth preaching to the world. Surprisingly he got the support of the office clowns and bimbos, who were only too scared to access 'that', that must not be now spoken about. One can only imagine the consequences if Gmail or Google were to get hacked.

Office tech guy: Sab log, Google aur Gmail ko band kar do varna computer aapka khatam ho jayega. (with absolute conviction)
Me: Huh?
Office tech guy: Madam, please google ko band kar do.
Madam: Magar, hum konsa search engine use kare?
Office tech guy: Aap, bus band kar do...varna aap ka computer band ho jayega, aur UPS bhi kharab ho jayega.
Madam: theek hai!

She promptly closes all her browsers and awaits further instructions.

I couldn't believe how this man could stomp around office with the utmost confidence and conviction as if he was a direct victim of this problem.

Nowadays propaganda and negative advertising doesn't need anything more than a wish guarantee for it to reach your mailbox no matter where you are. And to think... people would slowly start realising that these wishes will never come true even if they send it to 70 people instead of 7. But then again, I guess everyone is just looking for a free something.

Over the years, I've received forwards subtly inciting racism, hatred, false prayers etc, apart from the usual funnys that one should receive sometimes. Today, propaganda doesn't require cheap paper pamphlets to be dropped out of the B.62 Bombers anymore, all you need is a couple of emails and a wish promising the reader anything provided they forward it to 7 people. It's like they hold your wishes to ransom. Forward or else...

Next time I want to spread my word I think I know how.

Okay, so now make a wish, anything you want.

Now forward this to 7 people if you your wish to come true in 7 days.

I've tried this before and it works all the time. You have to too. :)

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Cars that run on water

You wake up early in the morning to get to work, well in my case not so early, but still, early enough to make you grumpy and dopey. Amongst the noise and the clatter that the cleaning lady leaves behind and the early morning phone calls on my brothers cellphone, a Monday morning can be quite an uneventful event.


The daily morning dillydally suddenly leaves you rushing to gulp down your cornflakes and apple at a speed only my sisters dog is seen doing. The sudden realization of time, or the lack of it, is like the big bang except, over here time contracts.


I rush down the stairs (I try and do whatever I can to get some exercise) and dodge my way through the million puddles and puddlelets that were born out of last nights rain. I quickly hop skip and jump into my car that by now seems like a sauna.


I drive off to earn my bread and butter and cheese and cornflakes and chicken and ham and... you get the point... So well yes I head out and am greeted by the best thing a morning drive can offer you, a traffic jam. Wait... I forgot to add jam in that list.


Driving without rules in this country gives everyone a sense of freedom and thrill we seem to have taken a liking to since 1947. Freedom is on my mother tongue in the form of all the profanities we hear on the road, as people fight for their “rights” on the road. But again, we all have our own rules... just like Calvin n Hobbes. In this game of Calvinball, who ever proclaims the rule first wins. It's exciting, thrilling and we have complete freedom.


Today, I was in a mood to be calm and composed on my way to work so that I could get to work calm and composed. As I cruised along I saw an oncoming bus trying to cut across my lane. This daring maneuver caused a jam on his side. I chose to be kind and waited patiently till he got his long ass out of the way. I could have cut through and gone ahead, but I knew that would have just resulted in a stalemate and no one would get anywhere. This act of kindness and patience caused traffic to move and slowly everyone was back to normal.


Last night's rain created pools the size of the Red sea. Cars were wading through, bicycles were being carried, and bikes well... were breaking down in the middle of the sea. And am sure they were all praying for moses.


A wise man, and a brother once told me, never drive with your clutch pressed when your car is in such deep water. The explanation was simple, water will get into your engine. I kept those words of wisdom in mind and drove carefully making sure that I used my clutch to a minimum. Unfortunately, not everyone has the loving siblings that I do and most cars decided to call it a day and conked out in the middle. The drivers looked harried and distressed knowing that they would need to step out and dirty their brand new Jimmy Choo's. Traffic was obviously being held up and freedom rage was getting to people. I remained cool and calm and drove through on first gear till I reached the shore.


Since I got ahead, I had to deal with a lot less maniacs on the road since most of them were taken in my the red sea just as the Romans were. As I drove along I noticed that the other side of the road was completely jammed. I figured that the road on that side must have been flooded, and boy was I right. On a regular day, cars would zip on that road and in a minute more than 200+ cars would zip by that area. Today was more like one car in 5 minutes, so you can imagine the backlog. Fancy cars were being converted into jalopy's and were sputtering and stalling all over the place. And then for some crazy reason the honking became worse. I guess, it talking, so much water must have become a talking point amongst all the cars. It's like a murmur, just that it sounds different to us. Rush hour + rain doesn't help, that's why I tell everyone...learn to fly, it's easier.

Oh well! Am not complaining, I still managed to get to work.