CHINESE PROVERBS

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Nano tales... u have to visualise

He went up, and came down

He fell, fell and fell. Splat!

Yawn! Stretch! Yawn! Stretch! Owww... ooooowwwwwwwWWWW!

Girl meets boy, *poof* a baby

Jump from first floor, Thud! aaaaa!

Jump from twelfth floor, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah... Thud!

Like it. Hate it. Dump it

They went on a walk... alone.

The day MP's became such saints...

I just read a story on NDTV.com about the recent political turmoil. http://www.ndtv.com/convergence/ndtv/story.aspx?id=NEWEN20080058212 This sort of news is so ridiculously funny that I can't even react. Suddenly accepting a bribe has become a BAD thing?

What about the rest of the times they are offered money and conveniently accepted it. These MP's are such liars and cheats that they can lie without even batting an eyelid. It's disgusting. Instead of really dealing with the issue of trying to lead a nation towards stability, they pick up an issue only out of convenience. I wish they were so HONEST every time. And God only knows how credible this claim is. Though I wont be surprised if the SP actually did something like that.

What we really need to find is how much more did the BJP offer its own MP's to not accept the 3 crore jackpot. They are all behaving like such saints all of a sudden. If the BJP comes to power I wont be surprised if I see the three MP's Ahsok Aragal from MP, Padam Isngh Kulaste from MP and Mahaveer Sigh Bhagoda from Rajasthan driving off in their brand new mercs. They would simply get the best of both worlds. The 3 lacs from the SP or the 4 Lacs from the BJP.

Indian politics is so hypocritical that I get disgusted and its because of such issues that I don't care about leaving this country and going to a place where there is a little more justice and honesty and heart.

I hope the BJP doesn't come to power. They are useless.

Synchronised swimmers seem like children here

Just thought i should post this. This is amazing stuff. I cant even imagine the timing and the coordination required for this.

Oh Crap! All over the place

Someone great thinker coined the term 'Rat race', but I don't think he meant that as a fight to get ahead of everyone. What he really meant was that there was this new breed of creatures that were determined to take over from the Human race, much the same way like they decided to take over my office. It's not surprising that even a gigantic human being can be brought to his knees by a creature as big as a cat! Yeah they are as big as them in my office. I told you they were determined.

Anyway for many days now, I get to office and I get to hear the sordid tales of brown tailed orgies and of midnight prancing parties. There's rat body fluid on telephones, there's little droppings on chairs, there's midnight snacking reminiscence in the form of chewed cables and eaten telephone lines. I guess they were just trying to make a connect somewhere. This place looks like a frat house after a free for all party. And to think that the rat race would have gotten this far being completely smart and organised and clean. But wait... the human race got to where we are being just like them. So I guess they are heading the right way.

But down the line somewhere someone has forgot to toilet train the rats. Imagine them thinking they can take over the world completely unpotty trained. Ridiculous!

Just a simple game of Pictionary?

It took us probably a week of planning for a silly, yet completely exhilarating game of Pictionary. A few of us got together and decided that we needed to have some fun. And since none of us quite enjoy the luxury of passive smoking and nor do the women enjoy the excitement of getting pinched at a bar. We decided that a game of Pictionary was possibly the inanest thing we could do.

My cousins had flown down from Bangalore for a break and were staying with me so I dragged them along too. Not that they needed much dragging when I told them that we were going to play Pictionary. Anyway we had played tons of it when we were little and were already masters of the universe, in a matter of speaking. All of us were fortunate enough to be given a piece of the artistic brain when we were born, so when we teamed up, a flawless victory was more or less guaranteed. Every time we think of such things, the world shudders and a silence is left after our pretty pathetic *Evil Laugh*.

A game of Pictionary is more like war. People see a side of me that even I didn't know existed. Something like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Though am still confused who is it that they like better the Hyde part of me or the Jekyll. The board is like a battle ground and who ever tries to mess the initial status quo is in for trouble. Just don't let the shit hit the fan else it'll get messy. People play for pride and honour until it gets violent, then everyone just plays to survive. In fact I think most wars are fought only for survival. You can't really enjoy the honour and valour recognitions' when you're a dead person.

So finally, The date was set, it was a Sunday, I think. Or was it a Saturday...hmm... never mind. All that matters is that we set a date and there were gonna be nine people there including me. A generally large room today seemed small, and the smell of anxiety and smelly socks loomed in the air. We were brought down to our knees and hands quite literally since the floor was the only place big enough to accommodate nine menacing warriors. I am sure some ladies would not like to be called that. Ho well... all the Xena's were there, ready to shed their womanliness. (Don't let your mind wander... You filthy, filthy minds)

We do the usual round of 'pugai' to be fair and determine the teams. Pugai is something like stone-paper-scissor, where we make hand gestures, and those with similar hand actions get into one team. My family was soon torn apart and we were now against each other. The playing field was leveled and the board game was anyones game. I was pitted against my own kind but I knew that, even that would not stop me from winning the game, and I laughed. And laughed once more. Just to make sure I had laughed the first time.

The game started and even though my team was the last to play its turn, we were already ahead because of the all plays (AP). Soon we raced ahead of everyone, much to everyones disgust and jealousy. I remained calm and composed through the entire game, probably because my team was winning. Though this did not stop me from turning into my other half. I was accused of being to competitive and shouty. I wonder what they meant...Am serious... this time I didn't need to do all that, because I was winning without having to try to hard. My true spirit was only seen in a few bursts of excitement. More excitement than competitiveness. It's strange how people can turn into something that they generally aren't.

Apparently in old Chinese culture, the brides dad used to invite the groom over for a game of Mahjong and gauge his reaction. Most grooms appear very nice and formal and sweet only because they are desperate to get hooked up. Most people get all sweet and nice when they want something, as soon as they get what they want they turn back into monsters. Me... well... am an angel. I am, I am....even when am playing... it's just that people get scared because I have a big head...

Anyway, so if the groom came across a loser, he would be told to scoot. And if he was too competitive and violent, the father would throw him out. I guess even the Chinese loved their tea to be perfect. Too strong and they'd spit it out, too weak and they'd still spit it out. It's quite a task to be perfectly normal isn't it. Games like Pictionary help you find that perfect balance. All your anger and all your emotions are out for everyone to see in those two hours. It's like being caught in your bathing suit. Sort of...

Anyway, for me games like Pictionary, bring out the competitive side of me. For my cousin, it's computer games. A guy who always appears to be relaxed and calm and always has a warm aura around him, turns into this monster that curses and screams and shouts till he finds a way to beat the computer. Literally sometimes. Once he runs out of curses, he just mumbles and grimaces and blurts 'rassamfassam' words. But that's the only time you'll ever see him in this state of Hydeness.

The game soon came to an end when my team destroyed the opponents who were still struggling to get beyond the first half of the board. As winners you must also learn to deal with the unwanted and mostly unnecessary evil glances after a flawless victory. Am sure am gonna get some now that I've written this down too. But I feel evil... heheh! It's nice, isn't it? Sometimes...

Email FORWARDS are the next best propaganda tool!

Ok, so I am sitting calmly, trying to mediate and focus on not doing anything, and praying for some excitement. (Unfortunately the guy above has a strange sense of humour and answers your prayers when your just kidding.)

Suddenly the office tech guy runs across the corridor like a 'town crier' (in this case the 'office crier'), waving his hands as if he had a little bell, and spoke of frightful consequences. He warned us all about the evils opening Gmail and Google would bring upon us... Huh??? Double take... Huh??? He was almost on the verge of getting his heebie jeebies peacock feathers out and waving them on all the computers. He screamed Google has been hacked and that spyware will take over your computer and more importantly your UPS! Yeah, apparently all my crucial data is stored in my UPS. (Maybe this is some sort of company policy to protect data stealing)

He decided that some inane forward was worth preaching to the world. Surprisingly he got the support of the office clowns and bimbos, who were only too scared to access 'that', that must not be now spoken about. One can only imagine the consequences if Gmail or Google were to get hacked.

Office tech guy: Sab log, Google aur Gmail ko band kar do varna computer aapka khatam ho jayega. (with absolute conviction)
Me: Huh?
Office tech guy: Madam, please google ko band kar do.
Madam: Magar, hum konsa search engine use kare?
Office tech guy: Aap, bus band kar do...varna aap ka computer band ho jayega, aur UPS bhi kharab ho jayega.
Madam: theek hai!

She promptly closes all her browsers and awaits further instructions.

I couldn't believe how this man could stomp around office with the utmost confidence and conviction as if he was a direct victim of this problem.

Nowadays propaganda and negative advertising doesn't need anything more than a wish guarantee for it to reach your mailbox no matter where you are. And to think... people would slowly start realising that these wishes will never come true even if they send it to 70 people instead of 7. But then again, I guess everyone is just looking for a free something.

Over the years, I've received forwards subtly inciting racism, hatred, false prayers etc, apart from the usual funnys that one should receive sometimes. Today, propaganda doesn't require cheap paper pamphlets to be dropped out of the B.62 Bombers anymore, all you need is a couple of emails and a wish promising the reader anything provided they forward it to 7 people. It's like they hold your wishes to ransom. Forward or else...

Next time I want to spread my word I think I know how.

Okay, so now make a wish, anything you want.

Now forward this to 7 people if you your wish to come true in 7 days.

I've tried this before and it works all the time. You have to too. :)

Cars that run on water

You wake up early in the morning to get to work, well in my case not so early, but still, early enough to make you grumpy and dopey. Amongst the noise and the clatter that the cleaning lady leaves behind and the early morning phone calls on my brothers cellphone, a Monday morning can be quite an uneventful event.

The daily morning dillydally suddenly leaves you rushing to gulp down your cornflakes and apple at a speed only my sisters dog is seen doing. The sudden realization of time, or the lack of it, is like the big bang except, over here time contracts.

I rush down the stairs (I try and do whatever I can to get some exercise) and dodge my way through the million puddles and puddlelets that were born out of last nights rain. I quickly hop skip and jump into my car that by now seems like a sauna.

I drive off to earn my bread and butter and cheese and cornflakes and chicken and ham and... you get the point... So well yes I head out and am greeted by the best thing a morning drive can offer you, a traffic jam. Wait... I forgot to add jam in that list.

Driving without rules in this country gives everyone a sense of freedom and thrill we seem to have taken a liking to since 1947. Freedom is on my mother tongue in the form of all the profanities we hear on the road, as people fight for their “rights” on the road. But again, we all have our own rules... just like Calvin n Hobbes. In this game of Calvinball, who ever proclaims the rule first wins. It's exciting, thrilling and we have complete freedom.

Today, I was in a mood to be calm and composed on my way to work so that I could get to work calm and composed. As I cruised along I saw an oncoming bus trying to cut across my lane. This daring maneuver caused a jam on his side. I chose to be kind and waited patiently till he got his long ass out of the way. I could have cut through and gone ahead, but I knew that would have just resulted in a stalemate and no one would get anywhere. This act of kindness and patience caused traffic to move and slowly everyone was back to normal.

Last night's rain created pools the size of the Red sea. Cars were wading through, bicycles were being carried, and bikes well... were breaking down in the middle of the sea. And am sure they were all praying for moses.

A wise man, and a brother once told me, never drive with your clutch pressed when your car is in such deep water. The explanation was simple, water will get into your engine. I kept those words of wisdom in mind and drove carefully making sure that I used my clutch to a minimum. Unfortunately, not everyone has the loving siblings that I do and most cars decided to call it a day and conked out in the middle. The drivers looked harried and distressed knowing that they would need to step out and dirty their brand new Jimmy Choo's. Traffic was obviously being held up and freedom rage was getting to people. I remained cool and calm and drove through on first gear till I reached the shore.

Since I got ahead, I had to deal with a lot less maniacs on the road since most of them were taken in my the red sea just as the Romans were. As I drove along I noticed that the other side of the road was completely jammed. I figured that the road on that side must have been flooded, and boy was I right. On a regular day, cars would zip on that road and in a minute more than 200+ cars would zip by that area. Today was more like one car in 5 minutes, so you can imagine the backlog. Fancy cars were being converted into jalopy's and were sputtering and stalling all over the place. And then for some crazy reason the honking became worse. I guess, it talking, so much water must have become a talking point amongst all the cars. It's like a murmur, just that it sounds different to us. Rush hour + rain doesn't help, that's why I tell everyone...learn to fly, it's easier.

Oh well! Am not complaining, I still managed to get to work.